After re-reading this post several times I think I’m going to make this a series. I don’t think that most people would understand the full context with one post. Soo I hope that you get something out of this first piece and I will see you and the next one.
My entire life, I have been a fat girl. I was a fat kindergartener. I was a chubby 5th grader. I was overweight in Middle School in high school and college and as an adult. I have known nothing else but being fat. I consider it more favorable than a negative because I have had The Misfortune of seeing many beautiful women as I’ve grown up repeatedly mourning this body they once had. They would go on and on about how they were once super skinny and super hot, and then they had kids, and now they’re fat as if it were the worst thing that could ever happen to them.
My mom is one of these people. She’s one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life, and she would always tell me about how she was really skinny and really hot when she was younger. She was really thin and hot when she got married, and then she had three kids, and her body never snapback. I count myself lucky that I don’t have that sadness in my life. I have a lot of other sadnesses, but that’s not one of them. Here’s the thing about being a forever fat girl I was always reminded of how cute I was and how adorable I was. But I can probably count on one hand how many times I have been told that I was sexy or sexually attractive. And that’s the weird thing I have always thought of myself as very good-looking. Not good looking for a fat girl but just good looking. I think I’m funny. I know I’m smart, and I know that I have a lot to bring into a relationship for companionship or whatever. But I wasn’t ever encouraged to see myself as a sexual being, and I feel like it’s crippled me as a now 30-year-old woman. 2021 will mark….Dear God, almost six years since my last relationship.
There’s this episode from season 4 of Just Shoot Me called “dial n for murder” where Maya dates this really hot guy who she slowly realizes obsessed with her eating, and it turns out that he is a chub chaser. I haven’t seen the show in almost 20 years, and tell me why that reference is burned into my memory. For some reason, to me, the idea of chub Chasers terrifies me. I can’t grasp the concept of a man finding me sexually arousing because of my fat. And that has a lot to do with the fact that my fat has caused me a lot of pain in my adolescence. I always thought that I was a cute girl, but and there is a big, BUT I have a lot of PTSD and trauma surrounding my weight. So the idea that a man would find me sexy and desirable because of my fat scares the living hell out of me because I tell myself what the hell is wrong with him that he finds that sexy when so many other people have found it the reason to hurt me. Maybe I’m just a massive hypocrite because I find other plus size women other plus-size people super attractive, but I have disconnected my plus-sized body from theirs.
Here’s another thing, and I feel like I have to make this clear because I don’t want people to think that I was just continuously reminded of my fatness. I have sisters and friends I see as sisters who always try to hype me up. And sometimes I believe them. Sometimes I have bad bitch mode moments. But it goes back to the fact that I do see myself as attractive…..I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that someone I find attractive would see me as such.
Jesus, I feel like this whole thing has just spiraled, and I don’t know exactly where I started off at or why I started off. I just think that it’s vital that we’re honest about how we feel, even if it makes people uncomfortable or even if people don’t understand. Sometimes I am afraid that I’m going to end up alone, and at the same time, I am so protective of the person I have built myself up to be. I don’t think about my fatness 24/7. Maybe on a day when I’m just not feeling myself, or perhaps my clothes aren’t fitting the way I want them to that day. But I will say that it took a lot of work 2. hang my self-worth on the opinions of people who don’t care about me. That was something that caused me a lot of pain and a lot of mental anguish growing up. It shaped how I saw myself and how I assume that other people saw me and maybe it’s still does subconsciously. But I think that I’m a good person, and I know that I’m kind to others. I know that I have a lot to offer, and I know now that I am a work in progress and continue to PE capable of growth and change. Maybe one day, I will learn not to be so triggered by the idea of someone finding me sexually attractive.
My goal for 2021 is to give people the benefit of the doubt when they show interest in me and not judge them for liking me when I like me. Self-love is something that I have been an advocate for four years. In many ways, I feel like such a hypocrite because I don’t practice it as much as I want others to. Still, if I want to allow myself to meet somebody and form a connection, I have to be willing to believe that they see something in me that they want to connect with. I know that this post’s structure is super weird and chaotic, but I felt like I needed to throw this word salad out there, and hopefully, it connects with somebody so that they know that they aren’t alone in handling all of this messed up stuff. With that being said, Thank you for listening to my rant and know that I love you, and then I think that you are a bad bitch you are worthy of all the love in the world, and I will see you in the next word salad.
*Featured image by @Bloozchicken